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May 17th, 2004

08:48 pm

new user name...not_so_easy_



juss writin it here so anyone that looks at this and doesnt tell me knows where to go.. hah. losers.

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02:24 am

goo. so mel n laur jus left me..we had a wicked good time leaving random comments on peoples jays..man we are geniuses. but yea i def agree with mel tht one about the girl cutting herself was mad strange. ehh..its life. but yea..jus wanna thank you two again for a lovely midnight funfest.

awww i talked to lorenzo tonight..that kid is so unbelievably sweet. i havent talked to him in forever..and he jus imed me out of nowhere..hes so cool. at least one guy is worried about how i am..hes totally awesome. and i cant wait to keep tlkin to him.


so yea i still dont know if jeff does like me really or not. id like to know soon though. hes so cute..me n him were talking about the dance tonight. im quite excited. only for after though.

well yea im wicked tired so im gonna go to bed.

Current Mood: tiredfor once..
Current Music: nothin..

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12:40 am - dont make fun of my music..i rock.

hahaha..i personally dont think faith hills songs are that country..if they were i def. wouldnt be listening to them.. gah i definitely hate country music..sry noodle. hah shayna i cannot belive you listen to that bullshit.so yea.. me n shayna talked for a while tonight..wer both makin new journals. because we are just too cool like that. hers is all about chris..and i think it is so adorable. the picture shes using is amazing. and i think her user name should be lost in chris..but she doesnt know if shes using it. hah. and she should use the irreplacable icon. just my dooshbag opinion..that doesnt matter. yea yea...and my user name is not_so_easy_. you know you think that shits hott. and my background is gona be none other then CHRIS CARRABA.gaddd i love dashboard. hah i wish my background could be jeff..but im not all that fortunate. and so i was gonna make my icon say i love jeff..but it didnt work because my computer is the dumbest fucked up satanic shit ever. so .. its a pic of shayna smiling like madd..and it says smile like a nigga. haha i love it.

so yea..i talked to jeff today..he said that he was drunk last night..emm mann i was so upset last night. im such a dooshbag. i cant believe i get so worked up over shit that other people dont even care about..like anything i care about..nobody gives a shit about. i wish he gave. ahh man im gona start crying again. gay. im gonna stop talking about it.

its so unbelievably FUCKING HOT IN THIS HOUSE. gad damn..and i dont feel like goin upsturrs to change the temp. but im so hott right now. aaaaaahhhhhh. ohh i talked to my fishie tonight..aka nemo. hah. it was fun..we were laughing alot..seems hes like one of the only people that can make me laugh these days. nobody cares to talk to me anymore..oh well. haha him and my mommy are like best friends..she said he could sleep over...and i was like aaahhh woah there. no way. i want jeff. haha. im such a loser. a cool loser, that is. and i dont feel like writing anymore..im gonna go finish my hot tea that nemo and mrs.jalali recommended. chow mangs!

Current Mood: hothot
Current Music: cry-faith hill..yes i am still a pooney shayna. hah.

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May 16th, 2004

06:21 pm - and what you see is what you get with me..

so yea.. got back from the mall a few ago..i got to see louie! the rents got a new car once again..pitifulness. hes so adorable. so yea..at the mall my brother did me wonders. i cannot believe i didnt wait for him before. hes amazingly good at this stuff. i got my dress. and everything to go with it..it is madd pimp. aw i cant wait to be with jeff. well..hmm. yea actually. i cant wait to be with him that night..but i still cant believe he likes shayna..and that girl laura. i really wanna know who this girl is..and everyones saying that he said he never told me about laura..welllll he did. so yea..now i never know who im talking to. and i never know if i really do have all that in common with him..ill be sad if i dont. :(   i dont know what to do anymore...i really really dont..courtsenburger, leave me some advice please.. yer always the best to talk to about guys..your sensible.

oh..one minor note..i would appriciate it if everyone would stop calling me a pimp..because im NOT. richard doesnt like me anymore...although you all say nemo likes me, he DOESNT..scott doesnt like me either..neither does jeff pierre. and well....i turned greg down. because my heart is totally set on jeff. the note greg wrote was so cute..but i cant be with anyone else. i feel lke i wouldnt be happy. i cant hold on forever though...i cant do to myself what i did with chris..i cant. although im so dead serious about this kid..and i would do anything to be with him and both of be happy together, i cant let myself go into that depression. even though i like, already am depressed about it. i just dont want to be led on like i was with chris..i really dont.

life really sucks right now..all i want is to be with jeff. thats it. its all i need. :(

leave one if you have any advice, or if you love me..it would make me feel good.

Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: sugarcult..gaaad im way too obsessed.

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12:07 pm - me and my fucking no life self..another entry because im a dooshbag

ok..so i think i could get the record for person who updates the most in a thirty minute time period...well i have no life..((its soemthing me n jeff have in common..aww :(...)) well i was listening to pretty girl.and yea i started crying again. look at these lyrics. everything is what im going thru besides the kissing..hah. ive never got to kiss jeff..*sighs*  here ya go.


pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
the killer instinct tells her to be aware of evil men.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.
and that's what you get for falling again;
you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love. [2x]

pretty girl... pretty girl...

pretty girl is suffering while he confesses everything.
pretty soon she'll figure out: you can never get him out of your head.

it's the way that he makes you cry.
it's the way that he's in your mind.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love.
it's the way that he makes you feel.
it's the way that he kisses you.
it's the way that he makes you fall in love...


so yea.. well maybe i should put bruises lyrics.. that songs makes sense too. ehh. im so dumb. seriously..like why am i here. i dont know. if someone knows the answer to that leave me a comment and lemme know why..id love to know.

Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: pretty girl

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11:27 am - keep your secrets away from me if you wanna be mine.

ok..so you dont need to tell me the font is mad ugly..haha i know.but i typed in orange and this is what came up. so i dont give a shit..itll be different in a few days..i hope. so yea..i cried for a total of....8 hours last night..yea. it wasnt good. i hate my life so much..i dont get why shit like this always happens to me..out of everyone..it happens to me. so i was non stop crying..i just wanted to have someone to talk to last night..and i didnt. rae was like..buzzed..and adam went to bed i guess..and john was in trouble..and shayna said she had to go..and i duno where mel went. so i was gonna call courtney..because shes always been a good one to talk to about guys..but then i remembered she was in the keys and she was proberly partyin at the time..so..i just laid down in my bed and prayed .. then i went under the covers and just cried. i cried till i had like..no fluid left in me. its crazy. ive never seen myself get so upset before. and its like freaking me out how much i like this kid. i really have the strongest feelings for him..i think it was when he told me he wanted a serious girlfriend for once..like a guy has never ever said that. and thats what ive been looking for for so long..and he seems so perfect..and everyone says that we would be so good together..and nobody has ever really really supported my feelings with guys..because they didnt ever get along with the person...but im really happy because adam is like a billion and ten percent there for me...he said he gets along witih jeff.. so that made me happy..and rae really wants me and jeff to be together..and she knows how happy i would be with him..and shes helping me..i love her..she realy is a good friend. and shayna always says how cute.. heh. well..speaking of shayna..me and her talked this morning..and i really do believe her..that she doesnt like him..because i dont see how she would just get over chris in like a day..because she always talks about chris..and its so obvious that theyr both in love. well i dont think chris wants to show it that much. but i know for a fact hes in love with shayna. and it just boggled my mind when they said shayna liked jeff. and she told me this morning she didnt..taht she would never do that to me because she sees how hapy i finally am..and shes in love with chris. well thats what i think too. so yea..then she told me to tell jeff that she doesnt like him..well i dont think hed believe me because he knows i like him..and i want to be with him...so i just said id tell rae to. and she will.although i think that jeff and shayna should talk about it, she wanted me to tell jeff. and she said she told michael to clear everything up. i duno. i do feel a little better this morning..but im still crushed. i really really hope everything turns out for the best. and i hope jeff gives me a chance. anywho...


moms taking me to aventura today to pick up my dress..im kinda depressed now about the whole dance thing. ill get over it..ahhh. im in love. and its crazy. im gonna go now. goodbye

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Current Music: daddys little defect

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12:38 am - ..just like i imagined, i could never feel this way.

ok so i lied..i am listening to music. sugarcult to be exact. memory..and im crying..because im a loser..and im really emotional. and i could be losing the kid of my dreams to my best friend.  well..who wouldnt be emotional. i dont think ive ever cried so much over a guy..chris..yea. but its something so different with him. i feel really empty knowing that he likes shayna. i dont know why. i do. it hurts so much. adam says that its gonna happen to me in life. i say it already happened once..why is it happening again. god must hate me. seriously. i must have done something really horrible. the heartache i have right now..its like woah. i could just picture it all...being with him. and then hearing he likes shayna. its all gone. everyone that knows me knows that im realy insecure..and when something happens...big or little...every doubt known comes to mind for me. and why is it always shayna...thats what hurts even more. that its my best friend in the whole world. my heart. god..i want to die so much right now. i fucking hate crying..and its all ive been doing all night. so..heres mine and shaynas conversation.

i just asked her..to tell me now if she liked him..before anything went any further. she said she didnt..she really didnt. then she said that what happened was ludy and michael told her that they told jeff she liked him. at the same time, jeff tells raechel it was lauren lacalle. then shayna told me chris called..and he asked to speak to jeff. then shayna said when they got back on the fone chris told her that he told jeff that he knows me really well and not to fuck things up..(it made me feel really good to know that chris still cares about me..really. it did.) so then shayna was just like i dont like him..i dont know why anyone would tell him that. and i wouldnt do that to you..thats such bullshit id never do that. well. to hear her say that only gave me little confidence. because why would lauren say that. so thats basically what was said. rae  calls after we finished talking about that..so i clicked over..and started crying my eyes out again. she told me what jeff said..and i duno. i think that if shayna really doesnt like him like she tells me and adam and raechel..and whats shes been saying for a while now..that she loves chris so much..and she will never b able to move on..that she needs to tell jeff. and let other people that say she likes him know the truth. god this hurts so much. my best friend. why her..

so..here we are. two minutes to 1..and ive been crying my eyes out literally for about 4 hours..my mom thinks that ive gone crazy. and i think i have...i really am crazy in love with jeff. i dont care if anyone says oh u dont know him..i feel it. i really have never felt this way about anyone in my life. he is really special. and i dont know what i would do if i didnt have the chance to get to be with him..and experience the seriousness that both of us are talking about. well. heres what shayna said. i hope you dont mind that i put this here shayn.

 LetHerDownEasy:  I dont like him u kno the truth i love chris. . Nothin is goin to change

i wish someone understood..i wish he knew how much i like him..how strong my feelings are for him. i dont know what to do anymore. it always happens to me..maybe i should give up..but i cant. i feel like i need to be with him.. like..i duno. i cant describe it. but i need to go stop crying. leave me a comment if you love me.

Current Mood: crushedcrying my eyes out.
Current Music: none..im all alone.

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May 15th, 2004

10:47 pm
well..so much for best friends.

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09:42 pm - woaaaahhhhhh

holy toledo batman. i almost just crapped myself. i was looking on someones friends page..i duno whos it was..and i just clicked this kids link..and i was reading his journal...and this was one of his entries..and im like..in tears right now. damn me and my emotional self..damn it all.

the worst thing in the world to feel is to watch the person you like be with someone else. expecialy when your the person they talk to about their relationship. and what makes it worse you know they deserve someone better than who theyve got.


i duno..i guess it really wouldnt make any sense to anyone reading it..but it did to me..because im gay like that. ugh i really hate my life like madd right now. i wish i was sitting in a theater next to jeff right now. butt im not. so im just gona go do..i duno what. but ehh. whatever. bye

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06:59 pm - night is here..and i already want to die.

so..ok. the rest of my day was quite gayish. i didnt do anything at all..but sit on this satanic computer..(yes satanic. its addictive.) and wait for jeff to come on...he finally did at like 5..jeez. and we didnt talk about anything. besides how my mom was being gay so i couldnt go to the movies anymore..because raechel wasnt going. so we planned on tomorrow. its ok. then shayna told me she invited him over..as she said that i was on the fone with rae..her telling me that shes going to the movies. fuck. so then i said to jeff i could go again..and he said hes going to shaynas. truthfully..my stomach dropped. knowing that he liked her before..and she thinks hes the hottest kid in school..emm it kinda scares me. and like, i dont wanna dwell on the past..at all. but with the situation with shannon...like i never know. and i dont know how jeff is with stuff like that. did he intend on going over there to hang out...or hang out. heh. just me being my overdramatic self. i just really really have extremely strong feelings for him. knowing me, im just over exaggerating and thinking too much..but then again i could be correct. i dont know..and then when shayna asked me if i was mad...liike why would i be mad unless i thought you guys were gonna do something? so then..thats basically when i started worrying. and when i talked to rae she told me to go to shaynas..and hang out with jeff. but 1- im sick..and i dont feel like being all upbeat and doing a buncha shitt..i just wanted to relax tonight..2-i dont know any of the people she invited over besides jeff.. 3- i wanted to be with just jeff tonight. well.. i guess you dont always get what you want. and yea..you could say well if you like him so much why couldnt you go over there and hang out with him...i dont want to be around anyone else tonight..only him. and my asshole family wont take me over anyways. so i really had no choice.

so then rae said that she was writing him a note today because...well i dont really know why. but she said that she hadnt finished it yett.. and she was gonna give it to him on monday. .but then she was like...well im still gona give it to him on monday..but im gonna go over to shaynas later and check on the scene..hah i felt like she was gona like spy on him. which yea is wrong .. but i dont care..wutever thats her deal..shes a good friend..wat can i say. i love her. so yea..i duno.

its upsetting..but im doin what rae tells me..to look at it her way. wait until something does happen to worry. i dont want to have to wait until it hapens..because i dont want it to happen..but yea. i duno. soo..leave me a comment if you have any opinions on my over dramatic self.

Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: i cry...heh literally.

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